In light of the recent stories in the media related to domestic violence and abuse I think it’s important that we address domestic violence. In addition to addressing domestic violence I find it to be important to also address how children are impacted by domestic violence and how we can talk to our children about what they see and/or hear in the media.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is abuse that happens in a personal relationship. It can happen between past or current partners, spouses, or boyfriends and girlfriends. This type of violence affects men and women of any ethnic group, race, or religion; gay or straight; rich or poor; teen, adult, or elderly. The abuser may use fear, bullying, and threats to gain power and control over another individual. He/she may act jealous, controlling, and/or possessive.
In the beginning of a relationship these signs may be difficult to notice, however after the relationship becomes more serious, the abuse may get worse. For example, physical abuse can begin with a slap and over time progress to kicking, punching, pushing, choking, etc. In some cases, the abuser may begin making threats, calling the other person names, and slamming doors and/or breaking dishes. This is a form of emotional abuse that is sometimes used to make the person feel bad or less than. The violent threats are a control method used by the abuser. In some cases threats are made against a person’s pet, family, children, etc. Abusers also use financial abuse as a method of control. This is usually seen by the withholding of money, making their spouse feel dependent and/or without resources. Domestic violence can also include sexual abuse, such as forcing a person to have sex against his/her will. This act of violence is now recognized as spousal rape. In most personal relationships where there is violence present it comes in a cycle. This cycle is called the Cycle of Violence and it consists of three phases.
Cycle of Violence (Adapted from Ms. Lenore Walker)
Honeymoon Phase – Identified by affection, an apology, and violence ends temporarily. During this stage the abuser may feel remorseful. Some abusers may walk away from the situation and some may shower their victims with gifts, love, and affection.
Tension Building Phase – This phase is identified as poor communication, tension, and/or fear. During this stage the victims typically tries to calm the abuser down to avoid any major violent confrontations essentially walking on eggshells to avoid any outbursts.
Acting out Phase – Identified as outbursts of violence and/or abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (the victim), with the use of domestic violence.
Violence in any relationship is dangerous and can be deadly. It is very important for the victim to seek help ASAP! The abuser can also benefit from help separate from the victim.
What should you do if you’re being abused? Get help!!
▫ Get in touch with a local domestic violence group for information and support. They can help you find out about legal and social services in your area. It is imperative to find the program nearest you that offers shelter and legal support.
▫ Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or see the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s Website at www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm
▫ Talk to the police.
▫ If you are a teen, talk to a trusted adult, such as your parents, family friend, or school counselor.
▫ Make sure that you have access to phone numbers you can call and places you can go in an emergency. If you do not feel safe keeping this info on your person, try to memorize the emergency phone numbers and places.
▫ Please, teach your children not to get in the middle of a fight. This puts the children further into harm’s way.
▫ If you think you may leave, make a plan to help keep you safe. This will help when you are getting ready to leave.
▫ Your plan might include:
Putting together and hiding a suitcase of clothing, copies of your car and house keys, cash money or credit cards, important papers; such as Social Security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, etc. Opening a savings account or getting a credit card if you can do so in secret. Leaving an abusive partner can be just a dangerous as staying, so please use caution and safety, and get help from your trusted family, friends, doctor, counselor, local police, legal department, etc.
Domestic violence hurts victims as well as their families. Do not ignore it! Abuse has a big effect on children. Children who live in a home where abuse happens see violence as a normal way of life. It also raises their chance of being in a violent relationship as adults, either as abusers or as victims. Teens are at a greater risk for depression, drug and alcohol use, and bad behavior. Children don’t necessarily need to understand what’s happening to respond emotionally and physically to the abuse they have witnessed. A few short term effects may include – anxiety, depression, aggression, difficulty sleeping, trouble paying attention in school.
Young children who witness domestic violence often worry about their caregivers and/or are afraid to be separated from them. Children may express their distress through physical symptoms, such as stomachaches or headaches. Young children may use play to act out what they have witnessed.
Children who have witnessed domestic violence often have confused and contradictory feelings about their parents. They may worry about the safety of the parent who has been abused, and they also worry that their parents will not be able to protect them. Some children may withdraw and become isolated from their peers. A child may also feel ashamed to bring friends home. The child doesn’t want other kids to find out what goes on in his or her house. Keeping the secret of what goes on at home can interfere with a child forming friendships.
Adolescents who grew up in violent homes have been shown to be more likely to engage in anti-social or criminal activity. Some studies do suggest that there is a link between growing up in homes where there is domestic violence and later involvement in abusive relationships. But there are also many people who grew up in homes with domestic violence who do not repeat the behavior.
We believe that treatment can help break the cycle. Typically, you can’t help the children without also helping the victim of domestic violence. Families need information about safety or shelter. They may need support about what to do about the relationship. The child having a safe place to talk about his or her experiences is a key element to healing. In addition, safety planning is VERY IMPORTANT for the child and the family. It’s never too late to get help.
There have been several stories in the media recently regarding domestic violence, child abuse, etc. All of the stories have been extremely sad and disturbing. Unfortunately domestic violence and child abuse are common. A couple of players in the NFL have made the media lately due to domestic violence and/or child abuse. It appears that many are making this a big deal, and it is a big deal, however, these incidents of abuse should be bought to light more often; not just when someone famous is involved. A woman is physically abused by her husband every 15 seconds. This is the leading cause of injury to women and one of the most underreported crimes. We found some surprising statistics related to domestic violence athttp://www.bfwc.org/pdf/DV%20101.pdf According to theNational Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS) 12 out of every 1,000 children up to age 18 in the United States were found to be victims of maltreatment. For additional statistics please check outhttp://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/fact-sheets/child-abuse-and-neglect-statistics.htmlWe are hopeful that all this talk in the media about NFL players mishandling their children and their wives will bring more light to abuse and hopefully save lives for those who may be experiencing partner and/or child abuse.
By: Melissa Dumas
Family and Wellness Guest Blogger
ReeUrbanNews.com
www.GladTidingsByMel.com
Melissa is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 10 years of experience in the psychotherapy field. Melissa graduated from the University of La Verne with an undergraduate degree in Psychology and obtained her master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from California State University Long Beach. She resides in Southern California and is happily married with two children.
