In today’s steroid like parental environment of ensuring one’s child has the highest of self-esteem by way of telling the child “you-are-oh-so-special” everyday, all day, that “not indispensable” statement probably wouldn’t make the cut in today’s raising a perfect child parenting book. As with anything, however, when said in context and with purpose, it absolutely is one for the history books- parenting or otherwise.
I was going through a particularly rough time in my career and I was constantly talking with my father on the telephone (he and my mother live in South Korea and I’m in California) and asking him questions to help me look beyond the obvious and see what I could do differently to do better. My recurring question was, “What am I doing wrong?” I was working day and night and, truth be told, I was not taking good care of myself physically. I was so bent on being EXCELLENT at work that unbeknownst to me I was sacrificing my well-being. I Peter 2:18-20 was my sanity, the ending verses 21-25 was my Hope, but I was having trouble, so much trouble, “working it out” (Philippians 2:12).
I was in the midst of yet another telephonic meltdown, complete with the exasperated combination of being blubbery, whiney, yet indignantly prideful, when I heard my father call out my name, “Cynthia. Daughter.” And there was a pause. He was waiting for me to stop. I stopped. He continued, “You are not indispensable. Those people don’t care about you. If you walk outside right now and get hit by a bus you will be replaced. They will find someone to do your job. You’re doing what your supposed to be doing. Continue to do your best. Don’t let what people think affect what you know to be right. Pay them no mind and continue to do what you’re doing.”
Wait. I’m not indispensable? But, of course, I’m indispensable. Right? Aren’t we all? Aren’t we all oh so special? No, he wasn’t being mean or insulting. He was saying something in the context of a lifetime of unconditional support to advance my and my sister’s education & career. We always knew our parents would support us to the best of their ability to afford us the opportunity to take advantage of all life had to offer. He was saying something with a purpose. Letting me know I am to do my best, but not at the expense of what I know to be true.
In that moment what he said crystalized: It was time to make a choice. My mother had already taught us it is better to have choices rather than not. She never wanted her daughters to be trapped in a job they didn’t like. She wanted us to have the freedom to choose our livelihood. She knew to be in a position to choose we had to be educated and we had to have a good work ethic. She was relentless in not allowing us to make excuses. For whatever situation we were in… we had a choice. How is it I couldn’t see that in having the blessing of choice I had to make a choice?
It was so much ‘easier’ to think I could change people’s minds by doing something different to please them. It’s much more difficult to comprehend there are some, no matter what I do, who will never respond favorably. ‘Tis also true of the inverse. There are some, no matter what I do (good, bad, or indifferent), who will always respond favorably. Do I want my work to stand alone on integrity or do I want my work to be attributed to someone playing favorites? Being the favorite is not such a good place to be either.
Time to choose, Cynthia. Continue, but either adjust my attitude or leave. Either way I had the power to make a choice! I learned to have a right perspective and practice in doing well knowing that I am NOT the center of the world, ergo my job will go on without me! 🙂 What a burden lifted. I eventually chose to leave. I applied for another position which would be a promotion for me. I was offered the position. I accepted the position. It was one of the best choices I’ve made in life. Thank you, Momma for the foundation. Thank you, Daddy, for helping me to work it out.
Cynthia Shaffer
Guest Contributor
