Changing Our Narrative
By Chris Stewart
How do you balance discipline and trust when discussing marijuana use with your child? The short answer is I don’t know.
If you’ve raised more than one child, you know that they can be extremely different. They respond by following their stimuli and experiences, which can be exacerbated by large age gaps, as with mine.
I raised two children who have a 14-year age difference. Both started smoking marijuana in their teens, one of which still is. Trust has been the cornerstone of our relationships. I feel they have always told me the truth and I have returned the favor. The oldest, my stepson, is 30. My youngest is still a senior in high school.
When my ex-wife learned about the oldest smoking “weed,” she called me from work, audibly sobbing, exclaiming her need to come home and discuss something with me. When she arrived, she was visibly shaken, and the tears were evident.
My mind conjured up various scenarios, one of which was her being pregnant with someone else’s baby. Thankfully that one never materialized. However, she did tell me that our son was smoking weed and posting it on Twitter. She demanded that we have an immediate conversation with him.
In my mind, I’m saying, “you came home in tears for that?” I convinced her to return to work, assuring her I would have the conversation. It was a chore in itself to calm her down and keep her from blowing “a teaching moment.”
My role, I felt, was to educate our son. His biological father is schizophrenic, and I was told his chances of developing the disease would be greater if he became a marijuana user. I explained what I had learned, and I didn’t blame him for experimenting, because I too had given in to peer pressure when I was twelve. Also, I used it frequently after high school until I enlisted in the military.
I told him that, in addition to taking a chance on acquiring schizophrenia, the dumbest part of the whole thing was that he posted it on social media. Our conversation was honest, but it didn’t sway his future use even after further emphasizing his mental health. He felt as if he would recognize the symptoms and quit.
Fast forward to my youngest child who trusted me enough to tell me he wanted to try smoking. I responded by letting him know the dangers and pitfalls and tried to convince him to wait until he was an adult. Sometime later when I asked if he tried smoking, he admitted to doing so. Since then, I’ve asked again and recently smelled it on him. In both instances, he has admitted to smoking.
I’ve also found evidence in my car. I found a blunt encased in a tube under the passenger seat. When confronted he admitted that it possibly belonged to a certain friend. I felt he was honest in this situation.
In addition, he’s admitted that one of his friend’s parents allows them to smoke, which had been a suspicion of mine. It became apparent to me, as he often pleads to sleep over at said friend’s house claiming that his friends are staying the night as well. “The hang-out spot,” which I had many of as a kid.
So as parents how do we walk that line between being pioneers of what our children are doing and convincing them not to follow in our footsteps? My feeling is that having open communication is important. I can’t confront his friend’s parents because that would betray his confidence in me. I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.
I could just speak of my experience and try to get him to not put himself in the danger I put myself in. I felt I should tell him my backstory of marijuana use. I let him know that I smoked when I was young and tried again after leaving the military.
But since then, marijuana has grown exponentially in strength. I had experienced such severe paranoia that it would likely limit my exposure for the rest of my life. And I couldn’t wait to start smoking again. My first time after the military was with my cousin’s boyfriend. I was so high that I saw kaleidoscopes and thought they were filming Cops outside of my bedroom window and I was the person they were searching for. I braced in my bed in preparation for the K-9s that were surely coming for me.
I let him know the dangers of use and the possibilities of smoking something with ingredients that could cause some serious damage or even death. Times are scary, especially with the ever-looming presence of fentanyl. I advised him on what to expect if he gets caught with marijuana.
Today the police are more likely to arrest than counsel, call the parents, or send them home. Also, if he had gotten pulled over with the joint under the seat that his friend would have more than likely denied possession and all charges would have fallen on him. That his brain is not fully developed, and its use could cause long-term effects.
I’m no authority on the subject by any stretch of the imagination or pretend to be. I hope and pray that he doesn’t fall into anything more sinister. As parents, it’s a constant battle. Every song he listens to glorifies smoking and popping pills. When our children idolize these artists along with everything they see on social media, we as parents are in constant warfare against these forces.
As for me I try to show him better alternatives and point out the risk and dishonesty of everything he encounters on social media. I send him quotes with positive messaging. I remind him that his success in life depends on the friends he keeps. Whether I see it on the news or in person, I show him the effects that drugs have on people’s lives. Despite the fact he doesn’t (or appears not to be) paying attention, I know he listens. Sure, I could be more drastic, like sheltering him in place, or any number of other things. But as I said earlier, every child is different and for this one, I feel I’m doing the best I can.
